What Do You Need To Change to Look and Feel Beautiful? (Hint: It ain’t your nose. Or your thighs. Or your ...) Part 2
Interviews with The Good Doctor
Dr. Robert Tornambe, Board Certified Plastic Surgeon and author of “The Beauty Quotient”
by Theresa Quadrozzi, A-Muse-In-Manhattan, Certified Professional Life and Leadership Empowerment Coach
Part 2: "What Do You Need To Change to Look and Feel Beautiful? (Hint: It ain’t your nose. Or your thighs. Or your ...)" Redefining Beauty: A New Beauty Paradigm
From his 23 years as a highly-successful plastic surgeon in New York City, and my years coaching people on realizing their fullest potential, Dr. Bob and I have found many parallels in our practices. We agree that one of the most surprising and unfortunate would be the disturbing percentage of women who do not feel “good enough” as they are; who think their physical self to be woefully lacking in one or many ways; who believe it necessary to change one or several aspects of their face or body or both. Surgically, if necessary.
And we also agree that yes, something indeed needs to change. But ain’t your nose. Or your thighs. Or your laugh lines.
Dr. Bob: I find it that shocking so many women who come to me don’t realize how beautiful they already are! They fail to see their own unique and natural beauty. I see it, the people in their lives see it. But for whatever reason(s), they themselves seem blind to it. Instead, they see a mirrorful of flaws and imperfections staring them in the face. A spate of defects that need to be fixed. And they come to me to nip this, tuck that, lift the other thing -
TQ: For many women, this focusing on flaws seems to start early in life. It’s so disturbing how little girls begin, at a very young age, to notice what’s wrong, what’s different, what they lack, what the “pretty girls” have that they don’t. My adorable nine-year-old niece, smart and sassy and lovely in every way, has already begun to pick herself apart. At nine years old. Rather than revel in her healthy, strong and growing body, her lustrous golden brown hair, her sharp mind, her many talents from piano to tae kwon doe, she’s beginning to complain about her perceived physical faults: She comments about the “bad teeth” her father gave her, about how she hates her fat belly, how she thinks she’s too small. Where does she get this?
Certainly not from her adoring parents, who consider their only child together perfect in every way. Certainly not her gaggle of gangly, giggly friends or cousins, who couldn’t possibly give a hoot about such nonsense at such a young age, especially when there are trees to climb and bugs to examine. Or -
- perhaps children at even the tenderest of ages do in fact begin to receive mixed messages from sources they trust most. Parents, family and friends, with the best intentions, begin to subtly alert them to the whats, whos, hows, and wherefores of beauty and accepted behavior. Of conformity. “Don’t eat that; you don’t want to turn out like Aunt Ida, do you?” “Can’t you do something with that hair?” “Why don’t you dress pretty like your cousin?” “It’s going to cost a fortune to get those teeth of yours fixed …”
Dr. Bob: Without a doubt, the conditioning, overt or covert, gentle or obvious, begins early on. Initially, it comes from trusted sources: parents, family, friends. Even a seemingly innocuous, innocent remark by a loved one at an early age can cut deeply and leave a permanent scar.
TQ: I think every woman (and many men) can remember that one (or repeated) remark that struck first, and continues to impact them into adulthood. For example, I’ll never forget my mother, with the best intentions, telling me to stop complaining about my hair, my butt, whatever it was; not to worry because “you’re so smart; you don’t have to be beautiful.” Ouch.
Dr. Bob: The messages are then reinforced through cues at school – the pretty, popular girls getting all the attention and the boys – and confirmed through images in the media. And then, reconfirmed over and over again throughout life.
TQ: And the great irony here is that the earliest cues we receive from family and friends are meant to assist and to instruct us on how best to “fit in”. To protect us, to keep us safe from the cruel, harsh judgments and criticisms of the outside world by keeping us in line with them. If only we conform, comply, wear our hair like the famous celebrity, dress like the popular girl, follow the fashion leaders and icons, we’ll prevail, we’ll succeed. Be like them! Don’t stick out; it’s better to fit nicely into a prescribed, labeled box. Better yet, if we manage to outplay and outshine others, beat the “competition” at their own beauty game, we’ll win the prize(s) – love, money, success – and live happily ever after.
Dr. Bob: Problem is, as we’ve discussed in earlier conversations, partly because of this, the beauty standards of the day can be impossible to reach. Not only that, they constantly shift from culture to culture, from season to season. Just think of 20th century breast -
TQ: One of your favorite subjects, no doubt –
Dr. Bob: Absolutely! But consider how “the ideal breast size” has increased and decreased since the turn of the last century! The exaggerated, matronly, “womanly” look Victorian and Edwardian ages, bosomy and bustled, literally deflated during World War 1 while the men were off killing each other and razing the European countryside. Women, left home to survive on their own, needed a more practical style – shorter hair, lower heels, higher hemlines. Pants! And a more manageable bust. This social, economic and fashion emancipation, coinciding with women getting the vote, helped usher in the Roaring 20’s with its looser styles and morals. Women tried to achieve a more “boyish” silhouette, minimizing the bustline and hips. The look stayed practical during the Depression and World War 11, when resources were scarce and women worked en masse outside the home supporting the war effort. Peace (relative) and prosperity – and the men returning home - through the late 40’s - 50’s brought with it a return to more “traditional” values, as well as traditional female form: softer, fuller, rounder figure. Think Marilyn, Sophia Loren …
The Beats and the rebellious 60’s changed everything, again. Twiggy epitomized the return of the boyish, flat-chested, liberated look, which complemented and reflected the freedoms espoused by the modern women’s movement. Boobs and bras were out; free love in! The super skinny look lasted until the early 80’s when uber-female supermodels – Christie Brinkley, Elle MacPherson, etc. - began to take over the covers of Sports Illustrated as well as fashion magazines. These women reflected the larger-than-life power of the independent, modern working woman, fit and feminine, strong and sexy. Which meant bosomy. This trend coincided with advancements in plastic surgery procedures and technologies, and breast implants crossed over into the mainstream. Now, many women who wanted C+ cups could afford to buy them –
Grunge/heroin chic (think Kate Moss) interrupted this trend only momentarily. By the mid-late 90’s, women everywhere were again requesting breast augmentation, and it was not unusual to see your friends and neighbors sporting practically porn-star proportions a la Pam Anderson -
TQ: Today, fortunately, the zeitgeist has swung back and returned to a feminine but more natural silhouette, “Jersery Shore” notwithstanding -
Dr. Bob: Yes, but who knows how long it will last! Who knows what’s next! So back to our original point –
TQ: - that unless you happen to hold the winning tickets of the place and period’s genetic lottery, it’s pretty impossible to follow the fashion edicts of the day. And even then, considering how often and dramatically trends change, no one can possibly have “the look” for long. While experimenting with styles can be fun, it’s unrealistic, even cruel, to expect anyone – especially oneself – to follow fashion to the “T”. Women would be better served considering it as suggestions, guidelines, and not feel the need to completely revamp their style and/or their body with each passing trend.
Dr. Bob: Yes. Think of the women who got those large implants who now want them removed! My point is: A breast doesn’t have to be a particular size to be beautiful. They’re just beautiful! Hair doesn’t have to be straight or curly or blond or brown or red to be beautiful -
TQ: Much to my chagrin, curly hair has fallen out of fashion – and in the name of being, staying beautiful, women are straightening again, using products with formaldehyde! No thank you!
Dr. Bob: Exactly. No need to straighten your curls – they are a unique and personal expression of your unique beauty. What we need, really, is to change not our physique, but our mind, our perception and definition of beauty. It’s everywhere, in everyone, though frequently we just don’t have the eyes to see it -
TQ: You sound like the Buddha! For some reason, the wisdom of the sages gets lost; we have to remind ourselves that “everything is beautiful, in its own way; everyone is beautiful, in their own way” –
Dr. Bob: Ray Stevens! A 70’s classic!
TQ: So I can keep my curly hair?
Dr. Bob: If you like. Curly or straight – it doesn’t matter! Big boob, small boobs – who cares? Each has its particular beauty … Besides, that’s not what makes a woman beautiful. It’s the ensemble: Her warmth, her smile, her intelligence, her wit, her compassion, her presence – her glow - that’s what radiates as true beauty. We need to change our mind. To expand our view of what we consider beautiful, to remove ever-evolving, culturally-imposed restrictions. I’d love to see a radical shift in the beauty paradigm. One based on a much broader, inclusive definition of beauty. That includes all ethnicities, all ages. Because it’s everywhere, in every one. If only we have eyes to see …
TQ: That’s pretty radical coming from a plastic surgeon!
Dr. Bob: And yes, there is a place for my work in this new paradigm: to enhance or help maintain a woman’s individual, intrinsic beauty, rather than remake it. Like she’s just gotten back from an incredibly relaxing, rejuvenating vacation, the best version of herself.
NEXT: Aging beautifully: it’s not an impossible oxymoron
Comments