Rejecting Rejection; Eliminating Assumptions

As a single, freelance modern-day muse of d’un certain age living in Manhattan in the year 2011, I am uniquely qualified to speak on the topic of rejection. Why? Because I speak from quotidian experience.

Unlike most other normal mortal beings, who know from day to day exactly when they need to go to work, what they are expected to do, what they will be paid, when they have to pick up the kids, when they can sleep in or go to the gym, who they are going home to, and the like, I have no such certainty. I work from project to project (that is, when I have a project), and my schedule varies from day to day. I chose to focus my expertise on not one, not two, but three disciplines - acting, writing, and certified professional empowerment coaching - for several reasons: Individually and in conjunction, 1. they make optimal use of my talents and skill sets; 2. they offer me a creative and ever-engaging way for me to make a living; 3. they provide a unique, useful and important service, and 4. they allow me to make a profound difference in people’s lives and a positive impact on the world. I also believed that having three loosely-connected yet distinct specialties would provide a hedge against the vagaries of the callous and fickle marketplace: when one branch failed to flower, another surely would. I’d always have one or more income-generating balls in the air - an acting gig, a writing project, a small but steady roster of coaching clients. And it works. Mostly.

Thing is, many days I feel as though I live in the land of “no”. While the world is indeed my oyster, full of potential and possibilities there for the taking, it also seems that every new day brings myriad opportunities to be visited by some new indignity, some new reason to be turned down, to be overlooked, passed over, told “no” - usually hold the “thank you”. Or worse yet, not to be told “no”: to be left hanging, waiting for a response or follow-up to an audition, an interview, a complimentary session, that never comes.

Okay, let’s be clear: it’s not that I can’t handle rejection. I can. (Though, like everyone, I’d rather not have to.) Performing artists learn very early on that every time we leave an audition, we should leave the experience, good or bad – and the expectation of landing the job - in the studio. Just walk away, let it go; que sera, sera. Waiting in anticipation for that phone call would surely drive us mad. Especially because over 75% of the time, that call doesn’t come. Not a “yes”, and never a “no”. A simple “thanks but no thanks” call or e-mail, the smallest courtesy one can imagine, is simply not part of the process. Instead, we get silence. A deafening, interminable void of not “yes” and not “no”.

Despite knowing better, there are many opportunities I find I do want, and many occasions when I do wait in anticipation for the call to come. I think I nailed the audition, scored big at the interview. And the call doesn’t come. How long does one wait before we let go of the possibility of “yes”? Hard to know. And the waiting is the hardest part.

This dynamic of non-response, rude and discourteous, supposedly sprang from the belief that no news is easier for the recipient to swallow than bad news. (Actually, I believe that this tradition evolved because the bearer of bad news prefers avoiding the time-consuming and uncomfortable situation of delivering it to a hopeful, then disappointed non-winner.) This especially applies to dating in New York. As any single woman in Tri-State metro area well knows, when the phone doesn’t ring soon after a first or fortieth date, no matter how fabulous we believed it went, no matter how many excuses and reasons we can come up with for the silence, we know deep down that he’s just not that into it. We know deep down that when you’re wanted, for a job or a role or a date, wild horses can’t keep them away.

And so it’s easy for anyone, especially a freelancing, single, no-longer-young woman in the big city living project-to-project, to become inured against rejection. To build up a tough exterior so that the slings and arrows of “no” fail to pierce through to the tender stuff inside. But this protective defense mechanism has a tragic downside: we become experts in diminished expectations; we assume defeat before we even begin; we no longer anticipate triumph; we begin expecting to fail.

Buddha said, desire is the root of all unhappiness and suffering. According to the sages, the letting go of expectations, the denying our desires, the release from wants, frees us from the sting of disappointment. However -

Recently I had a run-in with a unhealthy, unhappy, unholy conundrum. Several years ago, after learning from MD friends and article after article that up to 80% of illnesses (and healthcare costs) in this country are 100% preventable through lifestyle choices (yes, you read that correctly), I thought it would be a great idea to bring empowerment and wellness coaching into the workplace as part of corporate employee benefits packages. Most infectious diseases and congenital disorders no longer kill us. We as a nation now get sick not from germs and genes, but because we eat unhealthy food, we spend too much time sedentary, seated driving in our cars and working at our computer and planted in front of television, we smoke and drink too much, and we fail to successfully manage the stress of our overcharged and impossibly fast-paced life. Ironically, all completely within our control. I believed that companies would embrace the idea of a healthier, happier, more energetic, engaged, inspired, innovative, productive workforce, which, of course, would lead to higher profits. All achieved at a relatively low cost: studies have proven that coaching results in a ROI of 500+%!* A recent article in the New York Times - http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/fashion/is-rejection-painful-actually-it-is-studied.html?scp=1&sq=rejection&st=cse - citing American workers’ move from the farm to the factory to the office as a principle cause in the rise of obesity (and related diseases) further supported my cause; I was on a mission.

Rather than attempting to approach forward-thinking companies single-handedly as an independent coach, I decided to see if an organization that provided this service to corporations already existed. And lo and behold, it does. Hooray! What a relief – little ole me didn’t have to knock on doors and ring bells on my own, without the weight of an established team behind me. And so, filled with anticipation and hope, I contacted them.

Yes, the company was expanding! Yes, they were looking for qualified coaches – schooled in the techniques I practiced! Yes, I sounded like an ideal candidate, and they would like me to apply! Yes, I’d be happy to go through the rigorous vetting process of submitting an updated specialty authorization, 4 referrals, 30-minute recorded coaching sample, ICF certification! Which I did. And then, I waited. And waited. And waited. For what felt like an eternity.

One week later, no reply. No worries … Into the second week, still no answer. I began to feel uncomfortable. Rejected. Disappointed. And a bit miffed. After repeated e-mails, several great phone conversations, numerous impressive submissions – no reply? Really? Was this the silence of “no”? Should I assume that my contact’s non-response meant non-interest? And was this form of passing acceptable? Really?

I asked a few friends what they thought. The overwhelming opinion: No reply = no (thank you). I should let it go, move on.

I finally asked one trusted friend, Diana, highly spiritual and intuitive, her feelings on the subject. “Why don’t you call and see?” Indeed. Why don’t I.

Diana recommended phoning that very afternoon. But something told me to wait until after the weekend. I first did a little investigating, and discovered that Raleigh, the company’s home base, had been hit by the scourge of tornadoes battering the South and Midwest during the spring of 2011. And I sent an e-mail asking how my contact how she’s weathering the wild weather … And late Sunday evening, I found a message from her in my mailbox, informing me that she spent an afternoon holed up in her windowless laundry room riding out the storm, that they had lost power for a few days ... And yes, she’s received my materials, everything looks complete, and she would review them shortly …

My friend Diana’s simple suggestion helped me let go of my almost-ingrained, knee-jerk need to assume the worst based on past experience, and, reject what I assumed was a rejection. It also reignited my search for other like-minded companies which might be more enthusiastic and ready to hire. Which has inspired my mission for the rest of the summer of 2011: To go back to the belief in infinite possibility; to once again embrace “yes.” To continue to reject rejection by assumption, and instead to allow for and expect successes rather prepare for defeat. I’ll let you know if this practice leads to disappointment, or generates something else …

*Coaching ROI: “Wow” Your Clients with Real Results by Susan Battley - http://www.managementconsultingnews.com/articles/battley_coaching_roi.php