Saturn Return - Part 1: Out With The Old
Saturn Return - Part 1:
Out With The Old
Even though it’s already 1/6 gone, something about 2019 feels different. Special. Fresh. New. Liberating. Exhilarating.
I was ready, so ready - as I understand were many of us - to see the ass-end of 2018. A veritable annus horribilis (horrid year) on so many fronts. No need to review 2018’s litany of political, social, economic, emotional and other assorted unpleasantness. I screamed more in 2018 than every year of my life prior, combined. At the top of my lungs. Mostly over the phone.
So what makes this new year feel so shiny and new? 2018 brought an end to a roiling 15 year-long saga, a compounded, protracted, noxious legal/business/family battle that has been finally mostly resolved, fortunately without bloodshed. (Though it very nearly did come to blows between various parties on more than one occasion. Once or twice in court in front of a certifiably mad - as in crazy - judge.) I now no longer have to spend those (wo)man hours negotiating, arbitrating, researching, reading proposals and contracts, appearing in court, screaming, etc. 2018 also included the end of a 2+ year-long relationship with a Mr. Wrong. Which was difficult and upsetting, but necessary. No more splitting the week between NY and CT, between city career woman and suburban hausfrau. I spent about 2 months on the road abroad for work (which was mostly great), and renovated and redesigned my kitchen and living room. Thanks to these big endings on the work, home, and romantic fronts, much flotsam and jetsum has been cleared to create something new and more appropriate. I am free to focus far more time on other endeavors and desires, both professional and personal.
I came home year end from a month-long work project abroad (Paris to St. Nazaire, crossing the Atlantic via Porto Delgado, Azores, to Freeport, Bahamas to Ft. Lauderdale) on board a brand new high tech Celebrity cruise ship called The Edge - which was challenging but glorious - to a brand new kitchen and living room. My apartment hadn’t been renovated since I first moved in over 30 years ago (!!!), and was in dire need of love and attention. It is so depressing coming home to those old cracked tiles, broken or dead appliances, water damaged walls and baseboards, faded and dated countertop and cabinets. Instead, after an additional month of work, dust, displacement, decisions and dinero, during the Christmas holidays I moved back into a beautiful, gleaming space made to my specifications. My bold tiles, my weird color scheme. Yes, there were a few mistakes and bad calls here and there, but overall my G.C. George did a stellar job, and I don’t hate being back in New York as much as usual.
Out with the old. Already a strong start.
To further the “out with the old” theme, in late December I also happened upon Marie Komodo on Netflix and was quickly inspired to try her very Japanese, feng shui-based methodology of “tidying up”. Which is the one of the most hilarious understatements in the history of mankind. Because what begins as “tidying up” morphs into a series of monumental, transformational, deeply challenging, emotionally wrenching, existence-changing, life-affirming exercises that ask you to clean up, clear out, question, reorganize, release, and keep only that which sparks joy. Which means that all those things we hold on to for all those other reasons – fear of loss or scarcity, our sense of identity, memories that no longer serve, future events (such as weight loss) that may or may never come, etc. – have to go. It calls you to systematically gather everything you own into a pile and individually, one by one, pick it up, hold it in your hands and deal with it. First, every article of clothing, then books/paper, then komono (any miscellaneous including kitchen, bath, decorations, etc.), then sentimental items such as photos, heirlooms, diaries, etc. Does not spark joy? If not, you thank it, then release it onto the donation, recycle or trash pile. And out it goes.
We Americans love our stuff. We love to surround ourselves with our purchases. We do not let go easily. For us, more is more. We tend to buy buy buy, save for the future, hoard, and resist when it comes to letting go. The Japanese tend towards simplicity and spaciousness, keeping only what’s needed, what serves in the moment, trusting that what is needed for tomorrow will come, tomorrow. For Americans, less is not more; we do not have this confidence and certainty in our own future well being. We hoard, we ensconce, sometimes engulf ourselves in stuff. So Marie’s method is not a quick and easy process for us. It takes days, weeks, perhaps months. It takes balls. It takes you on a long emotional roller coaster ride, and confronts you face to face with many monsters, demanding that you make long-avoided decisions. It asks you to clear out not only your external physical living spaces, also the stuff cluttering your internal psychological and sentimental archives – including memories, beliefs, emotions - that no longer serves, that may be weighing you down, impeding your growth and your ability to welcome change, what’s next and what’s new ….
So what began late December looks like it will continue into March. Music CDs are taking way longer than anticipated. But every drawer, closet, cabinet, armoire, shelf in every room has been emptied, dusted, and neatly refilled only with those things that spark joy. I feel lighter, brighter. So far I don’t miss anything I donated or dumped; I know exactly where everything is, and as if by magic I’ve created shelf and other storage space has where none existed before. Miraculous.
Now, I’m not sure whether this is some kind of weird coincidence or some cosmic conspiracy, but the last time my life had gone through a tumultuous, comprehensive overhaul such as this – end of an important and definitive relationship, new and much improved living space, career upheaval and reckoning – occurred 1988-1989. Period of my 1stSaturn Return. And here we go again, 29-30 years later. Right on time for the 2nd.
For those of us who aren’t familiar with, and/or don’t believe in modern astrology (as I sort of don’t), “… your Saturn return occurs when this taskmaster planet moves back into the constellation it occupied at the time of your birth. It takes Saturn approximately 29.5 years to complete its orbit.”*
(Okay, so now you know hold old I am. Ish. And yes, you may tell me how I great I look “for my age”. Grrrrrr.)
The planet of Saturn “represents tradition and structure as symbolized by a paternal figure. But this figure is strict and values hard work and responsible choices. It adheres to a ‘tough love’ approach, propelling us into life’s most difficult challenges so that we gain strength and wisdom.”* That means that during Saturn Return, the universe generally serves up many grown-up, decision-demanding, life-altering situations and choices that we are forced to pay attention to and deal with. Like adults.
So now that the sanity-, time- and brain-consuming Sturm und Drang of the family drama has mostly been resolved; now that I no longer am dashing to and from Old Greenwich to play suburban house frau and stepmom; now that after months and months of research, shopping, demo and reno, my home base has gleaming new interiors, and much of the dusty old clutter has been carted away, what’s next? Now that I have the time and space and opportunity to do just about anything I want, what do I want to do?
Therein lies the rub.
What say you, Saturn?
Stay tuned for Saturn Return Part 2: In With The New, and Part 3: Across The Universes
*Allure Magazine, https://www.allure.com/story/saturn-return-in-capricorn
© 2019 Tess Quadrozzi, A-Muse-In-Manhattan
Comments