Saturn Return - Part 2: In With The New

The clutter – the people who don’t uplift, the stuff that no longer serves - has been removed.  The drama – 15 years of family, financial, legal and professional strife - has been mostly resolved, paving the way for pure possibility.  The space - redesigned and cleaned and cleared and rearranged – is ready to welcome What’s New, What’s Next.

But what the hell comes next?

I coach people constantly on exactly this:  If you could do anything - if money was no object, if you had all the time in the world – what would you do with your life, what kind of work would you do (if you’d work at all), how would you spend your time?  Sounds like a dream come true, right?  Being able to chart one’s own course, write one’s own script, determine the direction one’s own future?  But deciding our heart’s true desire not as easy as it sounds.  These types of meta queries really trip people up. We are so conditioned to “be realistic” that we can’t allow ourselves to want what we want, to dream big, think outside the box, entertain anything but the most mainstream version of life … Instead, we hem in our vision, leash our desire, restrict our possibilities.

Especially when some mysterious somethings still seem to be cluttering the head, the heart, the soul.  Must be.

So I attempted to coach myself, asking how I would like to spend this time, what I would truly like to see in my life this new year.  What would I like to do, what would I like to accomplish, where would I like to go, and with whom?  If my fairy godmother came down, waved her magic wand, and granted my every wish, what would I want for myself and my world?

And I came up empty handed. Nada.  Nyet.  Niente. (That’s not entirely true, but my visions were rather limited and lame.)

Then I considered another approach:  What needs to be done to honor, thank and close this chapter?  What can I do to clear, prepare, and invite What’s Next?  I tried making a new and improved 2019 To Do List:

Buy a property in Europe – Malaga, Portugal

Live in Europe – in Paris, in my property

Continue coaching

Finish apartment reno (bedroom)

Move Mom to Florida

Work on screenwriting and acting projects with friends

Find a new man, this time Mr. Right 

Do more volunteer work – for who/what?

That’s it. Pffffttttt. 

After all these years of coaching myself and others, of insisting on no-holds-barred radical honesty, on dreaming big, on deep soul-searching, on taking chances, on trusting, on discovering and following one’s true heart’s desire, that’s all I could come up with. Not open an orphanage in Guatemala; not develop a clean natural sustainable energy source; not plant an urban garden in the South Bronx … Very disappointing.

For some reason, at this moment my usual go-to’s were not useful.  Nothing came from power yoga classes except amazing triceps. Meditation morphed into naps.  Loathe to admit it, like so many of us, like so many of my clients, I was blocked.  Stuck.  And attempts to get unstuck proved frustratingly unsuccessful.  Time for something really radical.  Something revolutionary. Something out of the box. In keeping in the New Year, Out-With-The-Old, Saturn Return themes.  What’s Next is waiting!

And then in early January the New York Public Library sent an email informing me that a book I had put on reserve months ago and forgotten about, Michael Pollan’s “How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence”was ready for pick up.  Pollan, known for his engaging writing style and for his understanding and insights around food, plants, culture and societies, how they intersect and impact each other and each of us, had expanded his studies from the physical to the mental/psychological realms with How to Change Your Mind.  He takes you through the modern history of several mind-expanding substances (primarily LSD, psilocybin and DMA), the promise and problems of each, tries them all, and writes about the experience.

Like all his books, a fascinating read. For example, did you know that LSD was originally used to treat alcoholism, with impressive results?  That a shroom one-off can help mitigate, even eliminate, end-of-life-angst for terminal patients, creating space for a more peaceful passage?  Pollan is convinced – and argues convincingly - that humanity could greatly benefit from these still illegal substances if administered in correct doses by trained professionals who chaperone and guide you on your “journey”.  Especially those of us "of a certain age" with some grounding and life under our belt; we can enjoy and benefit from the ride without spinning off into some scary void or mental hellscape.  Not only for treatment of crippling psychological issues such as PTSD, anxiety, chronic depression, addictions and such.  It might be useful elevating “healthy normals” like me – your garden-variety high-functioning stressed-out neurotic human trying to navigate modern life – to a higher plane of consciousness and creativity.  One that not only helps work through our self-sabotaging neuroses, but transcend our limited and limiting understanding of Who We Think We Are, Why We Are Here, The Meaning of Life. To a whole new experience of this life. Safely.  Soundly.  Seriously. 

(I’ve always been fiercely independent, perhaps to a fault.  For example, I believe in the body’s ability to stay healthy, to heal itself, and I rarely take medications unless my fever spikes above 102. No aspirins, no antidepressants, just vitamins, and occasionally melatonin to help with jet lag when I travel.  (Other than a brief Ecstasy phase, never very big recreational drugs, either.)  I’m friendly with several therapists, but I’ve never actually seen a shrink.  Ever.  In my life.  Because I can figure this out on my own, I can read books and research treatments and design exercises and therapies and nutrition, I can provide the proper self care.  I can heal myself.  I am Woman, hear me roar.)

Interest piqued.  Might Saturn returning have a mind-blowing meaning-of-life “trip” in store for me?   

So I investigated a bit further.  Diana, a dear friend and licensed therapist, was recently invited to join a group of medical and psychological professionals promoting the usage of ketamine for treatment of depression, PTSD, addiction, anxiety, and other debilitating resistant, persistent psychological issues.  (You may remember this legal, Schedule III prescription drug under its other monikers, Special K or horse tranquilizer, from your clubbing days.)  Diana and her group use a specific, finite cycle of K in conjunction with talk therapy for their patients highly resistant to other forms of drug and more traditional therapies.  With impressive success. Transformative.  Especially for her younger patients, the ones highly resistant to traditional talk and drug therapies.  

(You may have seen ketamine in the news recently.  It's been popping up in papers everywhere.  Remember that soccer team in Thailand trapped in the flooded cave?  The boys were given ketamine to keep them calm during the rescue. It's regularly prescribed and used as an anesthesia for children.  Recent studies say it shows promise in treatment of serious depression, anxiety, PTSD and other modern day woes.)

Legal. Prescription.  Interest further piqued.  Less scary than the Schedule I Controlled Substances “that have no currently accepted medical use”* Pollan describes in his book.  As I mentioned, for a child of the 70‘s and 80’s my illicit drug use has been embarrassingly sparse.  While the kids popped Black Beauties and Quualudes in high school and college, I did not.   Sophomore year, I actually fell out with my freshman posse, the “Grrils” (a highly original name for its time), when they started smoking pot and I did not.  While all the world was snorting coke with abandon, I (with the exception of a few “white nights”) did not. The aforementioned Ecstasy phase lasted a month or two before the drug lost its potency and I lost interest. 

So now drug-free me is seriously toying with the idea of trying a chemical mind-expanding measure to catapult myself out of this enviable rut I find myself in.  Maybe ayahuasca!  Maybe mushrooms!  I do some research around quasi underground groups that promote and “work with” controlled substances for medicinal as well as recreational purposes. Too scary.  I have no one to join me on this journey, and no one I trust to advocate for me in these circles.  So on to Plan B:  the legal route.  Even though I also tend to avoid over the counter and prescription drugs like the plague, trying K in a controlled environment with trained professionals felt wiser, clinical, safe.   

At this point, I’ve become familiar with K and its applications through many discussions my friend Diana, who has begun using it with her most challenging patients.  She tells me of her own initial “journey” with K, how she came face to face with some internal mental unpleasantness that ultimately freed her from it.  Interest re-piqued.  I asked her about the who, what, how, wherefores, whether I might be a good candidate for K treatment.

Since K is available only through prescription, we would need a doctor to write one.  Diana worked in tandem with psychopharmacologist Dr. David. They provided a “package” which included an hour-long interview with Dr. D., then a three hour ketamine session with both Diana and the doctor.  Follow-up treatment depends on the initial experience.  

Saturn’s 2^ndreturn, and I’m seeing a shrink for the first time.  Ever.  In my life. No longer a therapy virgin.  I filled out myriad questionnaires.  “… thoughts of suicide … feelings of euphoria … crippling depression … issues with substance abuse …?”  No, no, no and no, these questions didn’t apply.  Dr. David and I chatted.  He said I was the sanest person he’d met in a long time (hahahahaha), looked at me for a moment, then asked, “So why are you here?”  

I tried to explain my frustration with my stuckness, my lack of direction, my inability to envision the next chapter, despite much soul searching and self coaching, despite this beautiful period of great freedom and opportunity.  This enviable Fairy Godmother moment when I have only myself to worry about, the time and financial means to take some chances, to try something new, live my heart’s desire.  Even my stupid horoscopy is telling me I’m on “a path of rebirth and transformation,” on the cusp of embarking on The Next Big Thing in a Brave New World!  But I need something radical to shake me out of this one -

And after some reading and research and discussions with Diana, I told him I thought that maybe a session would help me transcend whatever blocks or monsters that have been holding me in this state of stasis, would provide some currently inaccessible insights, would bring me to a higher plane of consciousness and understanding, would help me envision what this transformation and rebirth is supposed to look like, and assist in my “re-creation”.

And the good doctor smiled.

* https://medshadow.org/resource/drug-classifications-schedule-ii-iii-iv-v/

© 2019 Tess Quadrozzi, A-Muse-In-Manhattan