Resolving to Make 2011 Your Best Year Yet - Part 3: What We Really Want
Why We Make Resolutions: What We Really Want
As I sit here, fingers on the keyboard, I find myself thinking about dark chocolate covered almonds, The Daily Show, my unmade bed, the disturbing headlines – everything but the task at hand …
That task would be completing this three-part blog on New Year’s resolutions. (It’s mid-January, and the year is aging rapidly … ) But it could just as easily be cleaning my apartment, eating healthier, making those difficult phone calls. Because like you, I suffer from resistance, which we discussed in Part 2. I too find very reasonable sounding reasons not to do what I say I want to do, not to honor my word, not to hold myself accountable for the choices I’ve made, not to follow through on working towards the things I say I want in my life … Depending upon the day/hour, the reasons range from the ridiculous to the sublime: I’d rather eat chocolate! Earthquake victims are still suffering in Haiti! I can’t do this – I’m a fraud! (Pick-a-subject-any-subject) is annoying/disturbing me! What’s the point – we’re all going to die anyway! And on and on …
Buddha said that desire is the root of all suffering. Removing our want – for love, money, comforts, pleasure, power, meaning, you name it (things we hope to gain through our resolutions!) - will remove our pain. Being content with what we have, where we are right here right now, rather than chasing after what (we think) we want, will bring us peace and bliss. By transcending our desires, we reach nirvana.
According to Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, another eastern sage, “the very freedom from all motivation, the state of which no desire arises is the natural state.*
Right.
I wish in my heart of hearts I always felt that we’re all complete and beautiful and perfect in every way exactly as we are. I don’t know about you, but I’m not quite there yet. Most of us have more than a little trouble letting go and not wanting all the goodies we’ve been taught to need and desire. We think we must have that 401k; we feel we need to marry and have kids; we have to buy that iPad, we should live in the right zip code, we’ve got to have big boobs and thin thighs. We really think these are necessary for happiness. But what is underneath these yearnings? What is it that we really want?
Resolve this!
Okay, so let’s say we’ve researched the right info, formulated the perfect plan, formed a support system; we’re dealing with our demons and distractions and defenses, identified the obstacles impeding our progress. Once we’ve ventured outside our fortress, faced some of these ancient enemies which no longer serve us, now comes a big question: what on earth have we been hiding from? What is it that we truly, madly, deeply want out of life?
Our resolutions we choose begin to show us the way –
Although, as per the yogis “everything we could possible have, want or need is right here inside us,” we’ve been convinced through years of conditioning and our own experience in this physical life that having stuff, or people, or recognition/status, or power, or something outside ourselves, leads to contentment and fulfillment. At first blush, many of our desires seems perfectly normal, acceptable, necessary, even desirable (!), but when we dig we find they’re actually based in fear and a lack of faith.
We want what we believe (or feel) we don’t already have. Pick a desire, any desire, and you’ll find the feeling of lack falls on some point of the body/mind/heart/soul axis of human experience. “Interestingly, each want includes an opposite or opposing force,” like heads and tails of the same coin. “So, not only does want create a sense of lack for us, we also experience varying degrees of conflict” – and sometimes complicity - between our wants and their opposite.**
| Where | | Heads | Tails |
| Body: | The physical | We want comforts and pleasure; to live, to survive! | We want to punish ourselves, to die! |
| Mind: | The mental/ intellectual | We want control, to be right! | We want to relinquish control, blame others! |
| Heart: | The emotional | We want love and approval! | We don’t feel we deserve love! |
| Soul: | The spiritual | We want divine connection! | We feel an existential isolation! |
Here’s a brief summary of where and how our desires manifest:
The Body: In our constant quest for survival, to not die or be killed, we do what we feel we must to protect and/or please our physical selves, even if it means compromising the safety and security of others. Because we think we live in a world of scarcity, of limited resources, we do what we think we must to get as much as we can as quickly as possible. We’re always on the defensive, ready to attack, defend, even kill. On the flip side, we fear or loathe life, expecting or maybe even wanting to die, and we expose ourselves unnecessarily to risks and dangers.
The Mind: The ego can be an overpowering force. It frequently insists on control, to having things according to its preferences and plan. It lives and loves to be right, and uses its “brains” and mighty intellect to satisfy its will to power. Conversely, sometimes we rather relinquish control, be told what to do, absolving ourselves of responsibility. Playing the victim allows us to blame our situation and/or misfortunes on something or someone other than ourselves...
The Heart: Ah, the things we do for love. The compromises, the sacrifices, the deals we cut with ourselves for approval, acceptance, admiration, attention. Or we intentionally look for ways to inspire disapproval, to disassociate, to get people to shun us.
The Soul: We want to feel connected, united, part of a grand plan, a child of the universe (or our creator, or God ). To find meaning, to have a purpose, to matter. Or we prefer to keep ourselves apart, alone, alien, adrift in an existential void of meaninglessness, absurdity and isolation.
So what does all this have to do with New Year’s resolutions???
Okay, let’s go back to our classic resolution example, one that so many of us can relate to: weight loss. January 1st we resolve to get in shape, work out more, eat healthier. Many of us have experienced the trials and tribulations, the (literal) ups and downs of trying to manage our weight. We read the books, followed the food plans, hired the trainer … until we stopped. Again and again.
But why do we care? Why is this important to us? What underlying thoughts, feelings, desires really motivate us to want to lose weight? What puts these particular desires on our radar? Where does a desire such as this show up, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Everywhere! Let’s dig a bit. We can learn our truth - what’s really important, what really matters to us - by asking the right questions and being radically honest when we answer.
Most of us would start here: we want lose weight to look good. Why does that matter? Why is that important to us? We want to be hot! We want others to find us attractive. But why do we care?
Let’s see, if we are radically honest, we’d find that we want attention and approval; perhaps we want to attract a mate … and if we keep digging, we’d probably discover that we seek human contact - that what we really want is to be accepted and loved. Digging deeper, we’d discover we don’t want to be alone; in fact, we fear dying old and alone. Why is this important? Digging deeper, we might find that we really want our life to have meaning; we want to matter to someone –
What’s really compelling us? The desire for acceptance, love, meaning … much more powerful motivating forces than just being thin.
Or, we may claim that losing weight makes us feel more self-assured; it increases our confidence; we think it empowers us in some way. Why do we care? Because we feel stronger, more able to do what we need to do. Why is that important to us? Because we think it gives us an edge, and every little bit helps …
We’re motivated by wanting to feel in control, wanting to feel powerful and secure. This will help me compete in the world, get what I need and want to survive -
What else could it we mean when we say we want to get in shape, to be fit? Well, if we’re honest, we want to look our best (see above). We also want to feel great, have energy to do what we have to and want to do. Take care of business, ourselves and our loved ones. We want to be there for our children, friends and family; share a good long life with those we love. Not die. (Not yet.)
What’s really motivating us? Admiration. Feeling strong and in control - ready, willing, healthy and able. Not dying. Being there fully, so we can offer our whole self to our friends, family, ourselves.
You get the idea.
So what’s motivating your resolutions, really? Dig deep, answer honestly. Don’t run from the answers. And then dig even deeper -
When we focus simultaneously on the physical external manifestations we want to change, the internal fear and forces blocking us, and the thoughts generating our desires, only then can we create real, sustainable change in our life. When we first look deep within rather than just outside ourselves (for cures and quick fixes), only then can we let go of unresourceful beliefs and behaviors and we replace them with visions of a healthier body, a joyful relationship, a dream job, a peaceful and productive life. Only then can we stare down the bogeyman, reach for the gold ring, and truly heal.
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj said in I Am That: “I am sure of you. All you need is to stop searching outside what can be found only within.” For some, it can take decades; for others, healing can happen in an instant. And last a lifetime.
Contact me if you’d like further support and assistance in getting what you want out of life. And Happy New Year – may all your dreams come!
* from I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
** The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin
© 2011 Theresa Quadrozzi A-Muse-In-Manhattan
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