Resolving to Make 2011 Your Best Year Yet - Part 2: What Dissolves Our Resolve

What Dissolves Our Resolve

As I was saying:

We attribute our inability to keep our resolutions to a lack of willpower, the lack of sunlight, the job, the cold, our spouse, our childhood, the dog – you name it. However, our best-laid plans go astray when a psychological phenomenon known as “resistance” kicks in. That uncomfortable feeling of “eeeeeeeiiiiiiiihhhhhhaaaaa” that rises within us when we contemplate replacing our retail therapy, self-medicating with chocolate (or something stronger), cigarette breaks, closet clutter, insert-your-poison-here, with healthier, more productive choices. Resistance promotes procrastination. It encourages addictions. It actually prefers an unhealthy status quo, “the devil you know,” to the scary uncertainty of change. And it does what it feels it must to keep everything in place. Saboteur! I’ve also heard these mental manipulations called “secondary benefits” and “hidden agendas” because, whether we know it or not, they are actually serving some purpose(s) and fulfilling some need(s) …

Resistance then protects and defends this elaborate system of actions, reactions, thoughts and behaviors we’ve set up, consciously or unconsciously, with very legit-sounding justifications, rationalizations, explanations, reasons and excuses we use to explain and defend them, and keep them firmly in place. When you hear yourself saying, “I have no time to work out,” “I had a hellish day at work – I’ll just pick up some Micky D’s on the way home,” “I have no money for a gym membership” or “I’m so upset – I need chocolate!” you’ve retreated behind your wall of resistance.

Most of us started building our sophisticated, insulating fortress of resistance during childhood; we continue to reinforce it as adults. We began construction as an act of self-preservation, a defense mechanism, a means of protecting ourselves against the onslaught, real and imagined: the invading hoards (family, teachers, schoolmates, friends, the media, etc.) telling us we’re unpopular, unlikeable, unloved, unattractive, unmanageable, unworthy. Not good enough. Rather than feel the icky feelings (anger, loneliness, frustration, worthlessness, fear, even numbness/boredom) these voices conjure up within us, we seek refuge by devising creative ways to avoid them: we stuff them down our throat with food, dull them with alcohol or drugs, mask them with angry outbursts, zone them out in front of the computer or television – anything to distract our attention from the potentially painful truth. Escaping behind the walls of resistance we’ve built feels necessary, as if our very survival depended upon it. And it probably was, the best we could manage at the time.

What a great irony and tragedy: the sturdy fortress we’ve built for protection has become our prison – and, by our own design and volition, we’ve gotten stuck in it.

So we hit these walls of resistance whenever we try to move out of our protective comfort zone. Some feel more insurmountable than others. Our resolutions - our desire to do better, to expand and grow – to lower the draw bridge and venture outside the confines of our safe but stifling walled world - threaten our security and scare the bejesus out of us. Because maybe we’ve been subconsciously retreating behind a layer of excess weight, drowning in clutter to distract our focus from the things we really want, using anger to repel and control others, reinforcing our “loser” status through drug usage, insert-your-sabotaging-behavior-here. (Can you say, “hidden agenda”???) So despite the fact that we know, or can easily find out, exactly what actions to take to reach our goals to get thin or get clean, what plans to follow, who to enlist to assist us, we don’t; instead come up with very legitimate-sounding reasons, excuses, justifications and explanations not to. We’ve made it so much easier to attribute our failures to this, that and the other ....

For resolutions to succeed, in order for the “how to” to work, we first need to go beyond the mere mechanics of superficial behavior modification that these plans offer. We need to address the mind as well as the body, delve even deeper into the heart and soul. Because our “bad behaviors” all start at the level of thought in conjunction with action, with what we believe and how we feel, with what we think is true, it’s best addressed at the psychological, feeling, emotional, as well as physical, levels. Real healing can occur when we allow ourselves to feel the icky feelings that may come up when we think of or begin experiencing life outside our comfort zone. When we face the unpleasant thoughts, beliefs, and emotions we’ve been using our bad habits and behaviors to escape all this time. When we confront whatever we’ve been avoiding all these years, only now as a mature, resourceful, strong adult who possesses the wherewithal to transcend.

And, miraculously, once you allow the painful thoughts, memories and feelings to arise and express themselves, dance their ugly dance, after some momentary discomfort, they begin to transform, move on. You begin to see them for what they are: phantom fears, relics of ancient thinking that no longer apply. The best way to get passed is to go through –

While we’re finding the right info, formulating the perfect plan, forming a support system, while we’re lowering the draw bridge and venturing outside our fortress walls, next let’s begin to identify what it is that we truly, madly, deeply want out of life. What really matters. Our resolutions begin to show us the way –

Part 3 will explore this further: what we’d like, and why we seek it.

If you have questions, would like more info, or would like some coaching around your resolutions, don’t hesitate to contact me!

© 2011 Theresa Quadrozzi, A-Muse-In-Manhattan